Choosing a mate wisely

Dear Unmarried Sister,

Perhaps you dream of marriage, of the joining of hearts and souls as you and your beloved become one; most young ladies do. Before you choose the one you will marry, the one you will give yourself to, the one you will submit to, I beg you to study what the Word of God has to say about marriage and proceed prayerfully. A marriage made up of two people who love the Lord with all of their heart, soul, strength, and mind is as near to heaven on earth as it is possible to come. A marriage made up of one of God’s children and a child of the devil is a pain nearly unequaled in its intensity.

A child of the devil? some of you might say, You don’t know my Peter.

No, I don’t. But I don’t have to know your Peter (or your Dave, or Brian, or Kevin) to warn you: if he isn’t a child of God, he is a child of the devil. There are no other options, no in-betweens. The Lord says that if we aren’t for Him, we’re against Him. And if we’re against Him, we’re for His adversary Satan. As one who is against God, a man’s goals, desires, hopes, longings, plans, ways, thoughts, words, and deeds will be different from those of a child of God. They will differ from yours.

If you choose to marry a non-Christian, you will hurt every single day of every single year of your married life. He may be good to you. He may provide well. He may be a really good husband and a wonderful father. But he isn’t saved. Therefore you will hurt as he chooses ways that are contrary to the ways of God. You will ache as you cry out to God for his salvation. No matter how good he is to you or to your children, you will weep as he influences your children in ways that will break your heart. When you lower your standards for the kind of man you are willing to spend time with, you are lowering your standards for the kind of man you wish to one day marry. You are also lowering your standards for the kind of man you wish to have as the father of your children. You cannot afford to forget this.

Let your idea of a what makes a good mate be influenced first and foremost by Scripture. Don’t just look for a cute guy or a popular one. Don’t choose a guy simply because he makes you feel good about yourself, because he makes you laugh, or because he treats you well. Don’t look for a man who is successful or who makes a good living. There is nothing wrong with these things in and of themselves but unless these things are coupled with biblical Christianity, they are worthless. Instead, look for a man who truly loves God. If your man truly loves God Himself, God as He is revealed in Scripture, and not simply his own concept of God, he will most assuredly love you. He will treat you far, far better than a child of the devil ever could. He will treat your children far, far better than you can now even begin to imagine. His goal will be to honor God in the way he treats you and your children. Remember, your choice of a husband will impact your family for generations to come.

Here are some questions to ask yourself as you look for a man of God:

  • Does he love Jesus above all? Instead of all? Or does he love money, self, fame, comfort, or anything or anyone else–including you–more than he loves God?
  • Does his life reflect Christ? Is he spiritually mature?
  • Does he devote himself to the study of the Word of God?
  • How is his prayer life?
  • Is he able and willing to be the spiritual head of his family?
  • Does he understand marriage? Does he understand submission and headship? Is his view of marriage biblical?
  • Is he willing to put his wife above his children and his family above his work?
  • Does he know how to relax? Does relaxation take its proper place in relation to faith, family, and work?
  • Does he “need” entertainment to be happy?
  • Is he addicted to anything? Gaming? Cokes? Candy? Food? Fun? Danger? Sleep? Spending? Work?
  • Is he lazy or is he a hard worker? Is he willing to do menial jobs to help bring in money if needed? Is he willing to do humble, menial, jobs for his family or for others simply because they need to be done?
  • Is he prideful? Does he apologize when he’s been in the wrong?
  • Does he protect your purity? Does he push you to compromise? Does he make fun of your standards?
  • Does he encourage you to be modest both inside and out? Is he modest? Are his standards of modesty biblical, legalistic, or liberal?
  • How does he handle money? Does he have debt? If so, why and what?
  • How does he treat the weak, the needy, the hurting, the sick, the aged, the young?
  • How does he treat his family? How does he treat his mother and sisters?
  • How does he treat animals?
  • Does he treat you with kindness even when he is tired or has had a bad day?
  • Does he eschew legalism and liberalism in his theology? Does he understand grace?
  • Does he love the church? Does he enjoy being with God’s people?
  • Does he ache over the lost? Does he look for chances to share the Gospel?
  • Is he industrious and a self-starter?
  • Does he make excuses for his failures? Does he blame others? Does he accept responsibility for himself?
  • Is he easily angered? Is he jealous? Is he self-centered?
  • Is he selfless? Is he a servant to others?
  • Does he want children?
  • Is he a man of integrity? Have you ever caught him in a lie?
  • Does he use porn?
  • Is he looking for a woman who exemplifies Titus 2 and Proverbs 31? Is he worthy of that kind of woman?

Choosing the man you will marry is one of the most important choices you will ever make. Hold out for a man of God and you will choose wisely.

Your sister,



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